Salon Post : March 30

[jenett]

Welcome to this week's salon post!

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Comments are welcome whenever you get a chance - even if that's hours or days later. Feel free to jump into whatever sub-threads intrigue you. More discussion is the point of the salon posts!

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Topic of the week
I've been thinking a lot about being hospitable to people (because I have current Seekers doing classes which meet at my home for my particular witchcraft tradition, who may turn into longer-term students.)

In that kind of setting, what makes you feel welcome? What kinds of things around food and drink work for you? (We're currently at 'feel free to bring things, I have water and a wide variety of tea.' because I'm already spending time prepping for and doing the teaching part, and food is complex in these situations.)

But I'm curious what you'd find interesting or useful or helpful in similar settings (i.e. someone hosting, whether that's friendship/social stuff or something like this which is a slightly different equation.)

What I've been up to:
The religious holidays this week (barring the full moon tomorrow) are not my holidays, but if they're yours, I hope they're meaningful and go well, in whatever ways that matters for you.

It has been a not-fabulous brain week, and I'm about to hit a busy stretch at work (Shifting one of the sites we manage over to a new structure! Major catalog updates!) I have just finished the Donna season of Doctor Who, and am getting through podcasts at a greater rate (thanks to the catalog work)


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Comments

[sporky_rat]

I like having a variety of options for coffee and tea - both iced and hot.

I can't drink sodas anymore, so I do remind people that if they prefer that, they'll need to bring it. I do tend to provide a baked good (biscuits and a jam is my usual) for nibbling, unless there's a food issue. Then it's a gf bakery biscuit and jam.

[jenett]

I often have diet Coke, but for both budget reasons and 'it's a pain for me to wrangle cases of it', I tend to buy a month at once and make it last out, so I am not inclined toward sharing widely.

Part of me would like to do snacks, but the rest of me is at 'that is more wrangling of logistics than I am reliably up for'. (Plus the 'trying not to limit sugar, which means having left overs kicking around after such things is a complication. I do eat some, just I'm pretty picky about what, and it mostly doesn't overlap to baked goods.)

[sporky_rat]

I do up a freezer bag of little homemade biscuits that I can fish out a few at a time and shove in the toaster oven. If I do it once a month, the bag generally lasts the month unless we have a lot of people over. (We don't usually. Gulf Wars is an anomaly.)
(They're also what I eat with my meds for breakfast, so it's something I have on hand except for the gf stuff, but those are something I can pick up from the bakery down from the library anyway.)

[rosefox]

Veggie tray from the grocery store?

[jenett]

Requires more fridge space than I often have handy. (I have a decidedly undersized fridge, even for an apartment).

There's also a ... I don't mind being out the time and energy for teaching and hosting ritual stuff (but it's not trivial, between the actual teaching prep and the 'is the apartment tidy' prep that I often have to spread over a couple of days after work) but being out extra money for food that may or may not get eaten is not a great thing.

(I can't eat a bunch of stuff on veggie trays uncooked, and cooking from fresh involves spoons I may or may not have in a timely manner)

Joys of living in a high cost of living town on one salary (even if it's a moderately reasonable salary) in an apartment with quirks, really.

Which is big part of why I'm chewing on this at the moment, the 'what's reasonably hospitable, but sustainable in a model where I'm already providing a number of things and putting in time and energy before and after on the teaching front, and where I want to model collaborative effort without putting people out financially either'. And with the chronic health things that mean I'd rather spend the spoons on the teaching part rather than the 'here are random hospitable bits that might not actually be necessary if we can work out alternatives'.

[rosefox]

Providing food definitely isn't necessary as long as people know to bring snacks for themselves.

[lilysea]

The number one biggest thing you could do to make someone like me comfortable?

Ask via email if any of the attendees have fragrance allergies/sensitivities,

and if anyone says yes, email everyone and ask them not to wear perfume or highly scented body spray like Axe/Lynx/Rexona...

(Perfume/fragrance = migraine trigger.)

[jenett]

In this particular case, fragrance is something I cover in accessibility info up front.

(I use scented stuff at home for a variety of reasons - part of my religious practice, part of self-care, etc. and incense is a part of my trad's practices. Though I make it clear it's usually in modest amounts, and normally essential oils or other natural sources, rather than artificial scents.)

[jazzyjj]

There is a disability-rights organization here in the Chicago area that often--if not always--asks people to try and refrain from wearing any strong perfumes, or anything else scented in order to make those with allergies of this kind feel more welcome. This organization does that right in their event emails which they send out. I've never been to an event like this where allergies of that type are brought up.

[jenett]

They're not uncommonly part of discussion in Pagan communities, along with other things (though sometimes it's a "Scented products will be sold" or "We will be using incense in ritual" or whatever.)

I actually have a whole page of accessibility notes up on the group site, which anyone who gets to the point of doing stuff in my home has had a chance to read (they're asked to read it along with the other material before writing the letter of introduction).

That's because I know there's some stuff in there that might be a dealbreaker for some people (I'm down a half flight of stairs, the bathroom's too small for most mobility devices, I can't accommodate service dogs in my home) and also because if there is stuff we can negotiate, I want people to know the range of options or things that might be issues.

[adafrog]

That's nice that those communities warn for incense. Our church does that on the few services we use it. Also the guy who buys it has apparently shopped around to find a kind that is less irritating than that sort at the religious supply store. *big thumbs up*

[alexseanchai]

I will remember this for if anyone ever actually RSVPs to one of the in-person rituals I try to host!

for this comment's purpose, animal products are allergens, because veg*ns. religious stuff also???

[alexseanchai]

I feel like asking every participant at a potluck to label any dish (that's not in the original store packaging) with what it is and what common and known-other-participant allergens it contains is (1) the best way to handle hospitality at a potluck wrt allergens (2) a lot of work people aren't going to want to go to; I certainly can't usually be arsed to do it!

I defend myself only by saying that the only potlucks I've gone to in a long time are a specific small social group where the only food allergies are my sisters who are celiac, and they just...don't eat anything there that immediate family didn't bring, unless it's fresh out of the GF-labeled store packaging, because they both get I've-been-glutened symptoms from sufficiently trace amounts that they can't trust anything anyone not intimately familiar with GF stuff made at home.

(I suspect neither of those sisters feels terribly welcome there. I haven't asked.)

Also I think all the food I've actually personally brought, or sent in lieu of my own presence because I woke up too sick to attend, to those occasions the past several times has been wheat bread (obviously not gluten-free), deviled eggs (obviously not for my sister with the egg allergy), or single-serves of pumpkin spice rum (obviously not for minors). (No, I don't know why I had eleven single-serves of pumpkin spice rum hanging around.) So labels perhaps seem a trifle superfluous?

But the bigger the potluck, the more important I think labels become. Like, if Mom's church were to have a potluck (instead of catering an event, which is what they always do when they want to feed a group big enough to more-than-half-fill the chapel), I would think labels ought to be mandatory, because I would seriously not want to count on everyone knowing everyone's allergies! Same goes for if anyone new is expected to show—obviously newbies are people whose allergies others won't know to prepare for!

Re: for this comment's purpose, animal products are allergens, because veg*ns. religious stuff also?

[jenett]

Labelling potluck dishes was actually standard in my bits of the community back to the early 2000s at larger events, either providing the label for commercial stuff or an index card with ingredients if not.

We didn't necessarily bother for small group stuff (because people's allergies were generally known, and you knew who brought what or it was trivial to ask, because it was 'there are ten people here, all of whom I know, and I know who brought five of the dishes without thinking about it' sorts of stuff.)

I also always tell people if they've got any food limitations, to bring stuff they know they can eat and make sure they have a stash of suitable post-ritual food if needed, because that's just sensible planning.

(I've also been burned a couple of times. The one who sticks in my head was a seeker in the group in Minnesota who I know had been told at least twice that if there were any food limits, to let us know in advance, especially if it affected in-ritual food, and turned up at ritual and said "Oh, by the way, I can't have wine or bread". Which is a thing we can work around if you tell us before that week's grocery run, but 20 minutes before we start ritual is not that time.)

Re: for this comment's purpose, animal products are allergens, because veg*ns. religious stuff also?

[alexseanchai]

20 minutes before we start ritual is not that time

indeed!

Re: for this comment's purpose, animal products are allergens, because veg*ns. religious stuff also?

[adafrog]

Small groups where allergies are known are great, but even then it still can get messed up. (Truly just bitching here) I'm allergic to citrus, and invariably a few times a year (at least) someone in our group will bring cuties for dessert, and I have to sit there with funny prickling feeling at people peel them right next to me. /sad

Re: for this comment's purpose, animal products are allergens, because veg*ns. religious stuff also?

[redbird]

Labeling potluck dishes with all the ingredients is standard at my potlucks my girlfriend's synagogue does, which is nice because they don't know ahead of time exactly who will be there: "potluck after services" means that someone who hasn't been to services in months might be there, or a member might bring an out-of-town visitor.

I don't know how people who find labeling, but not cooking/food prep, to be a lot of work are dealing with this; I do know that not everyone contributes to every potluck they attend, and sometimes people decide at the last minute to stay for lunch. But I've been to not-quite-potluck parties (to which food contributions were welcome but not expected0, and the contributions usually included some prepared food (things like cookies) in the original packaging, so people who cared could read the ingredients.

[jazzyjj]

Regarding hosting people for events and such, I don't currently do that only because of the size of my apartment. It is just the right size for me and one of my life-skills tutors or one other person, yet there aren't enough places to sit. However, when I lived downstairs in the same building it was a different story. I had a roommate, who was honestly rather moody and not that great with event planning. But he and I hosted a dinner party not long after we moved in. We invited our building mates and their families, and the event ended up being a lot of fun. Our tutors also attended. We had hors d'oeuvres sp? for all to enjoy, plus dinner followed by another activity and then dessert.



The 2 guys who currently occupy that apartment have had me and the other building mates over, and they always bring out snacks. Same is true of the other people in my building. We currently have a vacancy, because someone moved out a few weeks ago. But that apartment is almost identical to mine, so each tenant there never hosted. Actually we tried having one of our weekly meetings in that apartment, but it didn't fly over so well as we were cramped.





Our backyard is pretty spacious, so we host events out there when the weather is in our favor. Before the current landlords took over, we were also able to host events in the community room. A hair salon is now occupying the storefront in the building, but the new community room is pretty open.

[monanotlisa]

The biggest factor in making me feel welcome is *warmth*.

This is partly physical; people whose homes are set to "fridge" will always make me uncomfortable -- yes, because of the goosebumps and shivers, but also because it betrays a fundamental misunderstanding: People cannot "wear more clothes" to get warm if their bodies don't heat well to begin with -- I can't get warm easily for physiological reasons, and they're not rare or freaky; I talk to fellow humans like that all the time.

But then, segueing from that...it's the metaphorical warmth: Do you try to be friendly and respectful? Without bending your own needs? (That is, if this were my house, people would take off their shoes because it's incredibly gross otherwise; it's not my house, though, and in California it's unusual -- an Immigrant Thing.) Are you poor and can't serve me expensive wine? That's cool; look, I brought my own bottle of Ridge 2009 for the two (or more) of us. Are you rich AF but are trying to serve me Two-Buck Chuck? And so on.

[jenett]

Temperatures are so hard! I'm the other way around: I overheat easily, and at anything over about 75F, my brain stops working well (which is a bad combo for either teaching or ritual.)

I try to keep things around 70 in the winter (which means I turn the heat on only intermittently), and a little higher in summer, but the AC is in the bedroom. Along with a Vornado fan, because I'm very sensitive to lack of air movement.

(The bedroom is probably the better ritual space, but one can turn off the AC and fan in that case.)

[monanotlisa]

Aw, 70 F is ok for most, at least.

Glad you are considerate. :)

Sent from my iPhone

[rmc28]

For me, just knowing the expectations around food is really key. One of my friends always puts in party invitations "I will be providing X,Y,Z. Please bring other things you would like to eat or drink" and that just takes all the worry out of it.

I'm struggle with remembering names (and depending on how tired/stressed I am, with memory generally), so personally I love situations where everyone is wearing a nametag, so if I'm having a memory lapse I don't have to have that awkward "hey you told me your name a minute ago, what is it again" conversation too often. I've been dancing most weeks with this morris side since last October and I'm still hazy on most people's names.

[adafrog]

For me the most important would be social stuff. Maybe introduce people saying something they have in common, or break up known cliques so that there isn't someone left out feeling anxious. Or from the start have meeting people exercises, or something.

Food and drink, definitely a variety. People who don't have food allergies don't think about them, but it's a big deal to those who have them. Things like water-everyone can drink, something with and without gluten (which, I know, is often people making a choice, but when you're actually allergic, and there's no choice, you go hungry).

[lilysea]

A friend of mine who has severe chronic fatigue hosts a weekly gathering for watching anime/TV with friends: the way they handle food is

"feel free to bring food with you, or order food once you arrive from this folder of several different takeaway menus, but due to my food restrictions and energy levels, I'm not able to feed you"

That seems to work well for everyone...

[haptalaon]

> What kinds of things around food and drink work for you?

I always appreciate savory snacks.

My energy & mood is pretty erratic, so I very frequently sacrifice meals to arrive on time and showered. When all anyone brings is biscuits it's a nightmare combo for moodswings - I'm hungry and craving sugar, but if I eat the biscuits my mood will plummet.

A plate of cheddar chunks, cucumbers sticks, something with hummous, oat bars, a french stick etc are all glorious. It supports one's mood a lot better, in a subtle way - more energising. Plus: other people are more likely to bring something sweet

I also think choosing food wrt its tactile qualities & how messy it is. My anxiety goes way up around new people, so something like eating sticky crisps or a melting chocolate biscuit, or a crumbly cake which might fall on my top etc would be food I'd not touch.