singing in polyphonic harmony

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2026/03/updates-trailing-spouse-problems-you-dont-see-firsthand-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=37004

Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. What to do about serious problems you never see firsthand (#2 at the link)

Great advice and so many great responses – thank you! it is indeed nonprofit early childhood education, with infant, toddler and preschool classrooms. I got two big things from this conversation – I am indeed not crazy, this is a solvable problem. And I got some strong language for how to name what is going on and try to shift things next time.

Here is what I ended up doing this time: With this director there had been a previous situation where I had looped in the supervisor, and the director was upset, why hadn’t I talked to her, she thought we had a good relationship, gone behind her back, etc. and it didn’t help much and I had to do relationship repair to get back to a good coaching relationship. This time, I sent her this: “I wanted to share some thoughts and see what you think. I’m sending this just to you so we can think this through, and see what the next steps might be. There are two things that most concern me . . .” With a “we’ll figure it out together” tone, I objectively detailed my concerns, especially how serious it was that there was the fear of retaliation from the other staff, and acknowledged how hard it must be to follow through when you don’t see it, and how can we brainstorm to get the data she needs to act?

I didn’t get a response to the email, but the next time I was there the problematic staff was gone. Apparently the director met with her and she walked out. So win for this classroom, but we still have some big challenges in our agency.

Out of the answer and comments, I also got a realization and some questions – coaching, at least how my agency does it, is a strange space. I have responsibility but no way to enforce accountability. I have goals as a coach, but if directors won’t back me up and hold people accountable, nothing changes. And if their supervisors won’t either, it’s even more impossible. And I really don’t understand why as a culture my agency is not willing to deal with ineffective or inappropriate directors and teachers. Part of it is chronic struggles with staffing. (To answer one question, no, we never go out of ratio. We will pull a director or admin into a room rather than do that. You don’t even step out for a bathroom break without someone stepping in.) I’m curious what coaching and quality improvement looks like in fields other than education.

Early childhood care and education in the U.S. is struggling so much. Families can’t afford care, we can’t pay teachers enough, and public funding is being cut like crazy. Many states had quality improvement initiatives begin in the 1990’s and 2000’s to address it with increased qualifications for teachers and state money to support it, but with the states I’m involved in, the updated quality improvement standards have decreased, probably because of the very desperate lack of more highly qualified teachers. We are going back to unregulated underground child care for many families.

2. Am I ruining my life by moving for my spouse’s job? (#5 at the link)

I wanted to share an update a couple of years after writing my original letter about whether to move for my spouse’s career. I ultimately agreed to move because of how difficult it is to find a job in my spouse’s field and the quality of life benefits of the new city. Thankfully, a couple months after arriving I found a local job in a different industry with decent pay, flexibility, and benefits.

The hardest part has been the hit to my ego and sense of identity. I was very good at my previous job and, in many ways, it was my imperfect dream role. But it was a public-sector position in an organization that has become much less stable under this presidential administration, and my broader field has taken a decimating hit. My current job is unrelated, and sometimes I miss being seen as an expert rather than just another small part of a large system. I’ve been working on separating my sense of self-worth from my job, but that transition has certainly been hard. One upside of watching the upheaval in the field I once loved from afar is that it’s made it easier not to dwell on what my career might have looked like if I’d stayed.

As the professional landscape has changed, my parents have stopped telling me I made a terrible career decision and instead now criticize the move itself. That’s been tough, but with time, grief, and therapy I’ve started to make peace with the personal side of it and stop letting it drive my anxiety about my career.

Life looks different than I expected a few years ago, but many of the things within my control are going well. My spouse and child are thriving. I miss our old city, but I’m also enjoying the new one and the opportunities it brings.

3. Can I advise my boss not to hire a contractor? (#4 at the link)

I took my concerns about Jane (the contractor who couldn’t do her job but was well liked) to my boss and he said he appreciated my honesty. He also felt that the things Jane was struggling with could be taught but that she’d built strong relationships at the company and that kind of thing couldn’t be taught. Jane was hired.

It became clear to me that Jane’s “good relationships” were the result of her sharing privileged information, over-promising, and gossiping. Jane also began to backstab and exclude all the other women on the team. Before her trial period was over, I took my new concerns about her behavior to my boss, who promised to speak with her and asked me to give her another chance.

Some time later, we received an email from HR (not our boss) that Jane had been fired. My boss now insists I am part of all hiring committees.

I’d like to leave this update here, but honestly the team has not recovered from Jane’s toxic behavior. The factions she created to pit against each other have not dissipated and there is anger and confusion around her firing. There’s also lingering suspicion that maybe Anna is actually a slacker, Betty is actually a bully, and Connie is actually unreliable and Jane was the only hard working, honest, and dependable woman on the team.

HR isn’t about to tell us why she was fired so we’ll never really know what happened. When it comes up, all I can do is counter rumor with my personal experience (i.e., “I’ve never had a problem with the quality of Anna’s work” — a strategy I know because of your great advice on other letters, Alison!). I don’t expect the team to recover until each and every one of us has moved on to a new job.

Wishing everyone a drama-free workplace!

The post updates: trailing spouse, problems you don’t see firsthand, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2026/03/updates-trailing-spouse-problems-you-dont-see-firsthand-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=37004