Victory!

[jenett]

My plans for world library domination are proceeding as planned! I just met with our head of buildings and grounds, and all the physical moves I want to put into place are totally feasible this summer, and he agrees about the circulation desk going away. (Also, he had some great ideas for eventual furniture additions, and additional outlets, as I'd hoped.)

I am still having impostor syndrome moments on a regular basis, but really, all of my religious training in 'act as if' and 'fake it, sincerely, as needed' is actually helpful.

And really, the impostor syndrome stuff is not unreasonable.

This time last year, I was officially the library paraprofessional, in a subordinate role, not expected to be at faculty meetings, etc. etc. This year, I am considered an administrator, my income will have basically doubled by next fall, I have more meetings than you can shake a stick at, and I oversee a budget larger than my previous salary. To say 'dizzying' is not vast enough.

The good news, of course, is that I've been prepping for this for years, and had a pretty solid idea what I was getting myself into. And I know where I want to improve, and some of how. (And I have an excellent mentor, and amazing support from my colleagues.)

However, I do begin to understand fully why the Holmes=Rahe stress scale includes positive as well as negative changes as stressful. (My current score is 244 by this version which does the math for you, though later this summer, it'll drop to 173, which is a whole lot better and drops me under the 'serious risk of related illnesses' threshold for the first time in a number of years.

Comments

[flourish]

Hmm. That stress scale puts me at over 400 points. The thing is that I don't think that there's ever a time in my life when I haven't been at or around that much on the scale. I also am remarkably healthy. Hmm. Perhaps it is a life stage thing (early 20s being a time when all that stuff sort of normally switches up a lot, I suppose).

[jenett]

It is a life-stage thing, too, I think. (The Wikipedia page has a modified version for young adults.) It's also important that a) it's the last 2 years, so there are points in young adult life it's going to be lower, and times it's going to be higher (i.e. graduations are higher, the middle years of high school and college and grad school are lower) and b) it's a tendency, not an absolute. (Also, not all stress-related illnesses are dire and doom.)

Like you, I've tended to run at the high end of the scale for huge amounts of my life (with some bonus stuff thrown in, like my father dying when I was 15.) and it was fine (barring migraines, which were okay when I avoided specific triggers) for a long time. These days, in my early 30s, I'm starting to see the wear-and-tear more, and in ways that make me concerned about longer-term effects.

For example, I've seen a lot more sleep quality issues, and the related physical impact - aches, grogginess, etc, than I used to, though I was a light sleeper through most of college. I've always been pretty rigid about getting enough hours (as lack of sleep's a migraine trigger for me) but quality matters too. And as I've mentioned in some of the herbalism post stuff, the long-term adrenal strain is taking some time to deconstruct. (And will probably take another couple of years, though I'm seeing meaningful progress.)

[flourish]

I know nothing about the test, so that all makes lots of sense!

Now that you point out that stress-related illness ≠ dire, I think that I actually have a bit better perspetive on my life. I said I was healthy, but that isn't true - what I really meant was "I don't have any diagnosable illness that's not curable by rest, good food, and exercise." On the other hand, I have definitely suffered from other problems that I have tended to dismiss as "normal" or natural. And yet it is not healthy to collapse in the shower and be diagnosed with clinical exhaustion. And that was only three years ago, now that I think about it, though it seems like a lifetime - my habits are very different now, but I still tend to think "oh, well, everyone goes through tough times and feels run down," even though I had to make major life changes to get out of that cycle... um... okay, this is turning into a big self-disclosing babble, but suffice to say I think that this might actually be a good tool for me to put my own habits & experiences into perspective...

[jenett]

Yep.

I anticipate a certain amount of process deconstruction of my own life over the next few months, now that I can make long-term plans, and can look at the related patterns and commitments.

I've gotten a lot out of conversations with my herbalist, and my classes with her this year. Various of the diagnostic techniques (face, ears, nails, pulse) suggest tendencies that can be useful to keep in mind.

For example, one of my strong influences is a 'water' face - but one of the characteristics of that type is that you do stuff, and you do it, and then suddenly you're really totally *done* now. (I get light headed, really clumsy, and good for very little, *fast* if I push past that point.)

When I'm otherwise taking good care of myself, and not under tons of stress, I bounce back from that quickly (a matter of 15-30 minutes). When I'm under more stress of whatever kind, it may take me a couple of hours to bounce back. (This is why I'm wary of walking anywhere: if I crash on the way there or back, no partner to come pick me up or keep me from doing something stupid out of not thinking.)

[lizw.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's a really useful link - thanks. My current score is 277, but if I take out the stuff that isn't ongoing, it drops to 141, which comes up as "no significant problems". So it looks like I can also look forward to my stress levels dropping over the next two years.

[txanne.livejournal.com]

OMG. No wonder I was sick from January to March--my score is 373. But if I look at next year alone, it drops to 47. O the bliss of a boring life!

[jenett]

Yep!

I first came across the test when elisem was going through particularly dire times after Mike died.

I found it in other reading, and came and said "Here. Do math." and then "Look. Perfectly sound reasons why you are not able to do as much as you think you can and why a whole bunch of health stuff has gone wonky." And she went "Oh."

(Of course, then she made stern noises at me about the same thing, though with different numerical underpinnings.)

[txanne.livejournal.com]

Stern friends are a blessing.

[sunfell.livejournal.com]

My score is 177- which I suppose isn't too bad- but I understand the imposter syndrome stuff.

I mean, how could anyone think that I am cut out for being a Toastmasters Area Governor? Or good enough to be selected for the FBI Citizens Academy? Or possibly the secretary of my professional staff section at NCSL?

Sure, at work, I'm just another drone, which is fine- I make good enough money, and I can enjoy it without being saddled with all the minutae of management. I am not much good in that department- I would be constantly terrified of messing up. Hell, I am terrified of messing up with the Toastmasters post, but it's a bit more manageable.

Most of my horror stems from The Horrible Event in my USAF past. I suppose I should get professional counseling for it- I logically know it wasn't my fault, and what happened was deliberately engineered to drive me nuts- but could something like that happen again?

Sigh... Only my own religious training got me through that, and things that happened after that.

I wish you all the best. You've earned it.

[jenett]

I got a lot of my early administrative experience running online games (or pieces within them).

This did some odd things: I'm not nearly as nervous of the interpersonal pieces, because I have experience with them, and got to try stuff out in situations that were high value, but which, if I got them wrong, were not the end of the world almost ever (we could revamp something in game, etc.) I need more experience with specific bits, but the general idea, I'm okay with.

The actual budget stuff (and paperwork bits, etc.), however, are new. And therefore more worrisome.

The cool things about the things you mention, though - they have meaning, they're important - but if you were suddenly not able to do them, the world would go on. (They'd find a replacement, that thing wouldn't get done this year, whatever.) I find that absurdly comforting, these days.

[maewyn]

Holy shit -- my score is 377!

Of course, within the last year or so, Matt was laid off AND diagnosed with MS, he still hasn't found steady work (not to mention his additional back-and-forth with Unemployment), my workplace has undergone some major changes (including three separate shifts in who my supervisor is; my original boss was also hospitalized long-term) and those changes may or may not be over with, we moved house, we took some family loans that helped us pull off the move, all of which led to some additional marital disagreements and personality shifts in us both ... and that's without really mentioning the major religious stuff I've been dealing with, including my HPS having a heart attack less than a month ago.

I'm going to have to turn this into a post. I had no idea I was still actively dealing with this much stress. No wonder I deeply cherish my lazy weekends!

[jenett]

Yep. It's a really handy way to look at cumulative stress.

(Given the responses here, I will try and write some more about it in the near future, too.)

[maewyn]

Actually in the process of writing my post, I remembered some other incidents that qualify -- my score is now 469. *meep*

Apparently I will fall over dead sometime soon.