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jenettBackground:
In the fall of 2006, the partner of a dear friend of mine died suddenly. She was devastated, and surrounding stress triggered significant medical difficulties for her as well that made it very hard for her to think clearly about many tasks, or plan ahead to get other things done. Among other problems, she completely lost her voice for over a month, making phone calls even more impossible for her than usual. (She also has hearing loss that makes them fairly stressful in the first place.)
I spent about six months (three very seriously, three decreasingly so) helping her as best I could.
She’s said since I saved her life. I’m not so sure – but I do know it helped. Since then, we’ve both wanted to talk about how that worked, and what made things easier, and how some fairly simple things can do a lot to help someone out in case it's useful to other people . My side is in this document, though I hope she’ll add comments when she gets a chance.
While the situation I'm mostly talking about here is a lot about grief, and some about chronic medical issue flares, the basic principles are applicable to a lot of other situations as well. Adapt as makes sense for you, the person you're wanting to help, and their situation.
(I'll note here that she read this before I posted it: she may have additional comments from her perspective later on, but we both agree I've covered the things I did for her, and I'm representing the bits that are about her to the best of our mutual memories.)
Why might someone need an external brain?
Grief and pain and medical issues take a lot of mental energy. It’s really easy for even the most organised of people to lose track of some tasks or specifics while they’re dealing with Major Stuff. Failing to keep track of this isn’t a personality flaw – it’s a simple fact of brain chemistry.
(Personally, I don’t remember a whole lot of details from the year my father died, my sophomore year in high school: I know I coped, I know I got – extremely good – grades, and I remember time with my friends. But there’s a whole lot of fuzzy, too. That's part of why I was so willing to do this: I was really aware of the other side.)
Even if someone's brain is tracking daily tasks and practical things well, that doesn't mean it's the best use of their time or energy. If they *want* to focus on it, sure - make that possible. (I certainly did after my father's death.) But if they are struggling, or pieces are dropping around them, it's good to remind them that that's okay, and you're there to help.
Often, just being a reliable external viewpoint does a lot to help - knowing that there'll be someone there every day who'll say "Have you eaten?" and "Do you need to go grocery shopping?" and "Did you make that appointment? Do you need a ride?" or helping deconstruct a problem they've gotten tangled in can be very useful in helping them be sure they haven't forgotten anything major and feel more secure.
My background
One of the reasons I volunteered to do this – besides the fact it played to my strengths – was that it let me be truly, deeply helpful in the midst of major commitments. At the time, I was working full time, had just gone back to grad school half time, was helping run a major community event a few weeks later, and had about 10-15 hours a week of commitments to my religious community.
There were a lot of things I couldn’t do.
- I wasn’t free during the day to drive her to appointments.
- I couldn’t make calls for her (I’m a school librarian: no predictable breaks.)
- I couldn’t cook or clean for her regularly (little free time)
- I could be of only limited help with cleaning, due to my own allergies.
But there was stuff I could do, that I could fit into my free time (mostly before I left for work at 7am, or when I got home after class or other obligations, or in 20 minutes between work and class.) And so I did that.
And that’s what this is about. The first 4-6 weeks, it took about 30-45 minutes every day (and this included helping organise parts of her partner's memorial service.) After that it started tapering, until 3 months later, I was checking every 2-3 days explicitly, sorting a few things, and wandering off again.
Terms:
Before we start talking about details, I want to define my terms/names.
External Brain: The person doing the coordination and practical planning arranging.
Befogged: The person who (through no fault of their own) just isn’t able to function and process the things they need to, or want to.
Helpers: Other people who want to help in other ways.
What the External Brain can do
The most basic role of the external brain is this: Talk to the Befogged every day (or nearly), find out what they need, and help make that happen. Note that ‘help’ does not mean ‘do it yourself’, but ‘make sure it gets done’.
More specifically, it means using your unbefogged brain to make note of patterns and tendencies, based on the Befogged’s preferences. You can use a lot of tools to assist you (lists, emails, phone calls, spreadsheets), but really, you need a human being who can sort through stuff and filter for specific needs and preferences reliably to run it.
Having a naturally organised mind helps (I'm a librarian and a pretty stereotypical Virgo in some ways. Lists and patterns are my friends.) But no particular professional or hobby skill set is actually necessary.
Examples of useful help
- Take the ‘fixed’ appointments you have little control over (like doctors) and fit other things around it, so that the Befogged has enough rest time, and isn’t chasing all over creation for errands. Remind them of the tasks that need doing, and those that can wait.
Schedule in the time to rest that you're pretty sure they won't take otherwise. I deliberately did my best to avoid scheduling any errands or other trips the day after a medical appointment, because I was pretty sure my friend would be exhausted and have little cope left.
- Arrange someone to drive the Befogged to appointments if necessary (in my case, my friend does not drive, so this was especially important. Busing used ability to cope she needed for other things.) Even if someone can normally drive themselves, they may want company or a ride so they can focus on the appointment.
- Arrange for there to be suitable food and drink available at home for the Befogged (See the section on opportunity food, below.)
- Act as a single collection point for questions, general well-wishing, and other things that the Befogged can’t deal with right now. Talk with the Befogged once a day to ask all these questions at once.
One of the things about both grief and medical crisis is that people generally manage interruptions/changes in focus even less well than usual, so one 20 minute conversation about questions each day is usually a lot easier to manage than quick checks all the time from well-meaning friends.
- Gently dissuade people the Befogged can’t deal with right now – find them something else to do that’s helpful, save them for later, or whatever else is necessary.
- A related issue: gently inquire of Helpers and Vistors, reminding them of medical and other needs. For example, "Just remember, Befogged is still getting her voice back, and talking's still hard." or "If you have a cold, it would be better to wait and visit later when you're well."
Grief (and stress generally) tends to depress the immune system, but the Befogged may also be on medication that does so. The Befogged getting sick is not to anyone's benefit.
- Be another brain looking at things that need to be done (is the Befogged making themselves miserable because they’ve thunk themselves into a corner over something minor?), and a reminder for ordinary daily things like bills, ongoing commitments, etc. so they can get dealt with.
- Encourage the Befogged not to make unnecessary major decisions while they're clearly not tracking well. I don't mean 'sit on them and make them do your will' here, but things like "Wow, cutting all your hair off is a big step. Are you sure you want to do that?" and drawing the conversation out for a couple of days, rather than driving them immediately to the hair salon. (If they really want to after they've eaten, slept, gotten a little sunlight, and so on, then help them out, though.)
Again, grief makes it pretty easy to fixate on small details to excess - often, someone's searching for *something* they can control, but what it is can be redirected if you think they're going to be miserable with the results in a couple of months.
- Tracking "Oh, yes, I should remember to..." comments in conversation, and coming back to them later at a more useful time. Usually, this means adding it to a list for conversation when it's more relevant. (i.e. next week, after X appointment has happened, etc.)
- Ideally, as things taper down, look for ways to connect that are less obviously 'help' and more 'mutual enjoyment' to help get the relationship back on a more even par.
I spent about a year calling my friend and saying "Hey, I'm planning to go to Trader Joe's after work: want a ride?" This was my not-so-secret way of making sure she had food in the house she was interested in eating, because otherwise, she'd sometimes forget, or run out of energy to go shopping. More on opportunity food below.
My theory on this was, yes, it was helpful for her - but it also meant we spent about an hour or more together chatting, and connecting, and that that was really important too.
Picking the right person
For this to work well, some things need to be true. Not everyone is a good fit for the role of External Brain, and not everyone will want to be. And not everyone is a good fit for this role with a given person. The Befogged needs to pick someone they can trust and work comfortably with.
- The External Brain has to have pretty solid organisational and executive function skills. A lot of what's going on is figuring out what's needed right now, and finding the right info to make that happen. If you are already struggling to keep your own stuff together, this is not the right time to be someone's External Brain.
- The Befogged is not going to be entirely themselves and your interactions with them may look quite a lot different than their interactions with other friends. You need to not take it personally.
On the harsh side, they may lash out at you, say fierce things, push back against your suggestions, or other things like that (often, it's because it's safe to do that, and they trust you won't go away.) On the less obvious side, they may spend less time talking about your life, or interests than they do with other friends, because your role is different right now, and not quite so equal. There may be tears or despair or frustration they aren't showing many other people.
It's hard to deal with this - what helped (though my friend was, and continues to be, very thoughtful of me) was being really clear what my 'job' was: which was to help her manage the daily life stuff. I figured everything else could be sorted out when she was feeling better.
- The External Brain needs to be able to offer reliable help for a while. Busy is fine, ‘likely to have another more immediate crisis’ is not good. For a sudden crisis, expect to be busiest for 2-3 months, and taper off after that. The pattern for a terminal illness will be different – probably calmer for a while, and then very busy around the time of death and the months immediately after.
In my case, I was way busy - but I was single, I was unlikely to be anyone else's primary caretaker if they got sick or needed help, and my job was stable and not likely to demand extra hours or attention from me. (School, I could work around, because I had my syllabi already.)
An occasional day you need to be somewhere else is okay (especially if it's known in advance), but disappearing out of connection for a few days is not good. Being accessible via multiple connection methods is ideal, but not totally necessary. (Because of my schedule, I did almost everything by email.)
- The Befogged has to be comfortable communicating with the External Brain, and vice versa, in a way that is not particularly stressful or challenging for either party. However, they don’t need to be best friends (more on this in a moment.)
My friend and I are very close, but we don't live together (I think this actually helped), we don't see each other every day (we average about every week or two when she's not travelling), and we have mutually compatible communication styles. These were all good things. I was also very comfortable in email and IM, which was crucial in this case since phone was not a viable choice for over two months.
- The External Brain needs to be sufficiently removed from the trauma in question that they’re still about as functional as normal. In this case, I knew (and very much liked) my friend’s partner, and I miss him rather a lot. But he was my friend, not my chosen family. I missed him, but I wasn’t bowled over by grief, as many people who were closer to him were.
- Ideally, the External Brain does need to know the Befogged's friends and social circles well enough to field requests and manage scheduling (who gets passed along immediately, who doesn't.) However, there are ways around this, as long as the Befogged can sit down and work through a list with you to start, and add to it regularly.
In my case, I didn't know a lot of her friends incredibly well - but I did know enough to recognise the names, and to be able to track who she'd prefer to have help with specific kinds of tasks without a lot of trouble. This is probably pretty close to ideal, because it meant my personal preferences weren't getting in the middle.
Other notes
1) Not all volunteers are a good fit for all tasks.
Someone may very much want to be helpful – but be really stressed out by (or stressful to be with) at a doctor’s appointment. Some people will take forever in a supermarket, even if it's not their shopping trip, other people won't. If the Befogged has a low tolerance for loud or unexpected noises, don't pair them with someone who will have a pre-verbal child in the car.
None of these are bad in a global sense, but if your Befogged has limited energy, you want to pair them with someone who will make their shopping trip as quick as possible, not longer, etc.
Help with household chores can be particularly necessary, but it's also a pretty intimate thing to do. Check with the Befogged about what they prefer, and who they're comfortable with. (Note that sometimes the Helper doesn't actually need to clean - just being there and provide conversation while the Befogged works on stuff can be a big boost.)
2) Balance rest with conversation
Is your Befogged the kind of person who will feel terribly guilty that the house is not clean, or they do not have food to offer? Lots of visitors may be a bad idea. Are they sleeping intermittently and napping a lot during the day? Ditto. Do they have limited energy for social conversations right now? Limit.
And are they getting sick of telling people the same news over and over again, because it constantly reminds them of their loss or their pain? Find other ways to do that. We have modern technology that can help with this, there's no reason not to use it appropriately.
Yes, the Befogged needs to talk to more than just the External Brain, but they also probably don't need to be rehashing the same 'things that happened since last time we talked' five or ten times a day for each person who calls. A brief cut-and-paste into email can do this better. Spreading it out so it's one or two calls a day, or emails (where they can cut and paste the basics if they have to) can feel a lot more manageable. Setting up a visit at specific times is also really helpful.
3) Discuss clearly what gets directed where.
In our case, my friend made a post in her LiveJournal (as did I) about the fact I was the contact point for this.
I handled "I'd like to help, tell me how" and "I'd like to visit, but I don't want to intrude" and "Hey, I'm going grocery shopping tonight, can I pick some things up?" sorts of questions. She handled the more personal questions and requests.
I also did some general information dispersion for her - though you should note, some people find this weird. A friend of mine (who knows us both) said "I'd hate if someone did that for me." I sort of blinked, and said mildly "Well, in this case, she'd rather I did it since she's feeling overwhelmed. We've talked about it." and went on with what I was doing.
4) Keep your priorities clear
As above, be really clear whose opinions matter most. In this case, my Befogged friend's preferences got absolute priority whenever possible. I was gentle and tactful and polite about it as much as I could be, but I was really clear about whose desires got preference when scheduling something, or asking for help with something specific.
(Again, in some ways, this is easier if most of the people offering to help are closer to the Befogged than they are to the External Brain.)
5) Get as much meaningful information about other Helpers as you can.
I kept a spreadsheet in GoogleDocs that my friend could also access. It includes:
- name, email, day and evening phone numbers
- whether they were available to help during the workday
- whether they were local (we had some tasks that didn't need that.)
- whether they were able to drive
- a notes field. It includes things like "Lives in her neighborhood" or "Free except when getting kids to/from school" or whatever.
It is useful to work through the list of people who want to help with someone who knows them well enough to comment about reliability, time-sense, general communication styles, and what they might be the best fit for. This can be the Befogged (it's the kind of detail that's sometimes a useful distraction for them) but it doesn't need to be.
How I used it is simple: she'd say "I need a ride to an appointment at X day and time" and I'd work through the list to find someone, based on people available at that time, and who were good for that kind of thing. I usually started with someone based on my friend's preferences, and also keeping in mind how much they'd done recently, and what I knew of their schedule. It worked pretty smoothly: I think I called on most people 2-3 times at most.
Opportunity food
This gets its own section, because it's a big deal. By our definition, opportunity food is the stuff that is reasonably healthy and desireable, but as easy to eat as stuff that's not so healthy and desireable.
Exactly what foods work for your Befogged are going to vary, but Trader Joe's (if you have one available) is an excellent place to start in our experience. Bear in mind that medications may affect appetite and taste, and that someone may have different preferences at this time than normally.
If someone isn't hungry, they probably won't have an idea what they'd like to eat if you ask them for a shopping list. Running through a list of "What *won't* you eat", and then getting some likely candidates (and being prepared to pass the extras off to a food shelf, friend, or whatever) can work well. Friends can help here, too by suggesting items they know are usually favorites.
You want things that take minimal prep, are hard to burn, and require little clean-up. Things that require regular stirring or turning or whatever are probably a bad idea.
Things that have worked particularly well for one or both of us.
- Soup (we both like the box soups from Trader Joe's)
- Cereal, granola, etc.
- Crackers and cheese or bread and cheese
- Cut veggies and a yogurt-based dip
- Hummus and pita bread
- Devilled eggs
- Potstickers (my personal favorite) that can be steamed to warm.
- Healthy things easy to heat in a microwave
- Veggies, ditto.
- Frozen foods that sounds appealing and need little attention (frozen sweet potato fries, chicken pot pies, frozen fish, etc.)
- Frozen juice-based things, sorbet, etc. (Often more palatable than dairy-based stuff.)
- Really good chocolate.
- Sandwich fixings (suitable bread, cheese, meat, etc.)
Stronger flavors (garlic, seasoning, etc.) may either be really appealing, or really distasteful. Start with a variety of foods that will keep well, and see what works.
In the case of veggies and fruit, a Helper could easily prep some and drop it off, or pick up a pre-cut tray from the deli. You'll note that while most of these involve a little fat, they're fairly well-balanced. This helps.
Conclusion
This is but one way to go at - but I hope I've touched on most of the major things that might come up, or that you might want to think about. Additional questions are welcome, and I'll add things in as that happens.
In the fall of 2006, the partner of a dear friend of mine died suddenly. She was devastated, and surrounding stress triggered significant medical difficulties for her as well that made it very hard for her to think clearly about many tasks, or plan ahead to get other things done. Among other problems, she completely lost her voice for over a month, making phone calls even more impossible for her than usual. (She also has hearing loss that makes them fairly stressful in the first place.)
I spent about six months (three very seriously, three decreasingly so) helping her as best I could.
She’s said since I saved her life. I’m not so sure – but I do know it helped. Since then, we’ve both wanted to talk about how that worked, and what made things easier, and how some fairly simple things can do a lot to help someone out in case it's useful to other people . My side is in this document, though I hope she’ll add comments when she gets a chance.
While the situation I'm mostly talking about here is a lot about grief, and some about chronic medical issue flares, the basic principles are applicable to a lot of other situations as well. Adapt as makes sense for you, the person you're wanting to help, and their situation.
(I'll note here that she read this before I posted it: she may have additional comments from her perspective later on, but we both agree I've covered the things I did for her, and I'm representing the bits that are about her to the best of our mutual memories.)
Why might someone need an external brain?
Grief and pain and medical issues take a lot of mental energy. It’s really easy for even the most organised of people to lose track of some tasks or specifics while they’re dealing with Major Stuff. Failing to keep track of this isn’t a personality flaw – it’s a simple fact of brain chemistry.
(Personally, I don’t remember a whole lot of details from the year my father died, my sophomore year in high school: I know I coped, I know I got – extremely good – grades, and I remember time with my friends. But there’s a whole lot of fuzzy, too. That's part of why I was so willing to do this: I was really aware of the other side.)
Even if someone's brain is tracking daily tasks and practical things well, that doesn't mean it's the best use of their time or energy. If they *want* to focus on it, sure - make that possible. (I certainly did after my father's death.) But if they are struggling, or pieces are dropping around them, it's good to remind them that that's okay, and you're there to help.
Often, just being a reliable external viewpoint does a lot to help - knowing that there'll be someone there every day who'll say "Have you eaten?" and "Do you need to go grocery shopping?" and "Did you make that appointment? Do you need a ride?" or helping deconstruct a problem they've gotten tangled in can be very useful in helping them be sure they haven't forgotten anything major and feel more secure.
My background
One of the reasons I volunteered to do this – besides the fact it played to my strengths – was that it let me be truly, deeply helpful in the midst of major commitments. At the time, I was working full time, had just gone back to grad school half time, was helping run a major community event a few weeks later, and had about 10-15 hours a week of commitments to my religious community.
There were a lot of things I couldn’t do.
- I wasn’t free during the day to drive her to appointments.
- I couldn’t make calls for her (I’m a school librarian: no predictable breaks.)
- I couldn’t cook or clean for her regularly (little free time)
- I could be of only limited help with cleaning, due to my own allergies.
But there was stuff I could do, that I could fit into my free time (mostly before I left for work at 7am, or when I got home after class or other obligations, or in 20 minutes between work and class.) And so I did that.
And that’s what this is about. The first 4-6 weeks, it took about 30-45 minutes every day (and this included helping organise parts of her partner's memorial service.) After that it started tapering, until 3 months later, I was checking every 2-3 days explicitly, sorting a few things, and wandering off again.
Terms:
Before we start talking about details, I want to define my terms/names.
External Brain: The person doing the coordination and practical planning arranging.
Befogged: The person who (through no fault of their own) just isn’t able to function and process the things they need to, or want to.
Helpers: Other people who want to help in other ways.
What the External Brain can do
The most basic role of the external brain is this: Talk to the Befogged every day (or nearly), find out what they need, and help make that happen. Note that ‘help’ does not mean ‘do it yourself’, but ‘make sure it gets done’.
More specifically, it means using your unbefogged brain to make note of patterns and tendencies, based on the Befogged’s preferences. You can use a lot of tools to assist you (lists, emails, phone calls, spreadsheets), but really, you need a human being who can sort through stuff and filter for specific needs and preferences reliably to run it.
Having a naturally organised mind helps (I'm a librarian and a pretty stereotypical Virgo in some ways. Lists and patterns are my friends.) But no particular professional or hobby skill set is actually necessary.
Examples of useful help
- Take the ‘fixed’ appointments you have little control over (like doctors) and fit other things around it, so that the Befogged has enough rest time, and isn’t chasing all over creation for errands. Remind them of the tasks that need doing, and those that can wait.
Schedule in the time to rest that you're pretty sure they won't take otherwise. I deliberately did my best to avoid scheduling any errands or other trips the day after a medical appointment, because I was pretty sure my friend would be exhausted and have little cope left.
- Arrange someone to drive the Befogged to appointments if necessary (in my case, my friend does not drive, so this was especially important. Busing used ability to cope she needed for other things.) Even if someone can normally drive themselves, they may want company or a ride so they can focus on the appointment.
- Arrange for there to be suitable food and drink available at home for the Befogged (See the section on opportunity food, below.)
- Act as a single collection point for questions, general well-wishing, and other things that the Befogged can’t deal with right now. Talk with the Befogged once a day to ask all these questions at once.
One of the things about both grief and medical crisis is that people generally manage interruptions/changes in focus even less well than usual, so one 20 minute conversation about questions each day is usually a lot easier to manage than quick checks all the time from well-meaning friends.
- Gently dissuade people the Befogged can’t deal with right now – find them something else to do that’s helpful, save them for later, or whatever else is necessary.
- A related issue: gently inquire of Helpers and Vistors, reminding them of medical and other needs. For example, "Just remember, Befogged is still getting her voice back, and talking's still hard." or "If you have a cold, it would be better to wait and visit later when you're well."
Grief (and stress generally) tends to depress the immune system, but the Befogged may also be on medication that does so. The Befogged getting sick is not to anyone's benefit.
- Be another brain looking at things that need to be done (is the Befogged making themselves miserable because they’ve thunk themselves into a corner over something minor?), and a reminder for ordinary daily things like bills, ongoing commitments, etc. so they can get dealt with.
- Encourage the Befogged not to make unnecessary major decisions while they're clearly not tracking well. I don't mean 'sit on them and make them do your will' here, but things like "Wow, cutting all your hair off is a big step. Are you sure you want to do that?" and drawing the conversation out for a couple of days, rather than driving them immediately to the hair salon. (If they really want to after they've eaten, slept, gotten a little sunlight, and so on, then help them out, though.)
Again, grief makes it pretty easy to fixate on small details to excess - often, someone's searching for *something* they can control, but what it is can be redirected if you think they're going to be miserable with the results in a couple of months.
- Tracking "Oh, yes, I should remember to..." comments in conversation, and coming back to them later at a more useful time. Usually, this means adding it to a list for conversation when it's more relevant. (i.e. next week, after X appointment has happened, etc.)
- Ideally, as things taper down, look for ways to connect that are less obviously 'help' and more 'mutual enjoyment' to help get the relationship back on a more even par.
I spent about a year calling my friend and saying "Hey, I'm planning to go to Trader Joe's after work: want a ride?" This was my not-so-secret way of making sure she had food in the house she was interested in eating, because otherwise, she'd sometimes forget, or run out of energy to go shopping. More on opportunity food below.
My theory on this was, yes, it was helpful for her - but it also meant we spent about an hour or more together chatting, and connecting, and that that was really important too.
Picking the right person
For this to work well, some things need to be true. Not everyone is a good fit for the role of External Brain, and not everyone will want to be. And not everyone is a good fit for this role with a given person. The Befogged needs to pick someone they can trust and work comfortably with.
- The External Brain has to have pretty solid organisational and executive function skills. A lot of what's going on is figuring out what's needed right now, and finding the right info to make that happen. If you are already struggling to keep your own stuff together, this is not the right time to be someone's External Brain.
- The Befogged is not going to be entirely themselves and your interactions with them may look quite a lot different than their interactions with other friends. You need to not take it personally.
On the harsh side, they may lash out at you, say fierce things, push back against your suggestions, or other things like that (often, it's because it's safe to do that, and they trust you won't go away.) On the less obvious side, they may spend less time talking about your life, or interests than they do with other friends, because your role is different right now, and not quite so equal. There may be tears or despair or frustration they aren't showing many other people.
It's hard to deal with this - what helped (though my friend was, and continues to be, very thoughtful of me) was being really clear what my 'job' was: which was to help her manage the daily life stuff. I figured everything else could be sorted out when she was feeling better.
- The External Brain needs to be able to offer reliable help for a while. Busy is fine, ‘likely to have another more immediate crisis’ is not good. For a sudden crisis, expect to be busiest for 2-3 months, and taper off after that. The pattern for a terminal illness will be different – probably calmer for a while, and then very busy around the time of death and the months immediately after.
In my case, I was way busy - but I was single, I was unlikely to be anyone else's primary caretaker if they got sick or needed help, and my job was stable and not likely to demand extra hours or attention from me. (School, I could work around, because I had my syllabi already.)
An occasional day you need to be somewhere else is okay (especially if it's known in advance), but disappearing out of connection for a few days is not good. Being accessible via multiple connection methods is ideal, but not totally necessary. (Because of my schedule, I did almost everything by email.)
- The Befogged has to be comfortable communicating with the External Brain, and vice versa, in a way that is not particularly stressful or challenging for either party. However, they don’t need to be best friends (more on this in a moment.)
My friend and I are very close, but we don't live together (I think this actually helped), we don't see each other every day (we average about every week or two when she's not travelling), and we have mutually compatible communication styles. These were all good things. I was also very comfortable in email and IM, which was crucial in this case since phone was not a viable choice for over two months.
- The External Brain needs to be sufficiently removed from the trauma in question that they’re still about as functional as normal. In this case, I knew (and very much liked) my friend’s partner, and I miss him rather a lot. But he was my friend, not my chosen family. I missed him, but I wasn’t bowled over by grief, as many people who were closer to him were.
- Ideally, the External Brain does need to know the Befogged's friends and social circles well enough to field requests and manage scheduling (who gets passed along immediately, who doesn't.) However, there are ways around this, as long as the Befogged can sit down and work through a list with you to start, and add to it regularly.
In my case, I didn't know a lot of her friends incredibly well - but I did know enough to recognise the names, and to be able to track who she'd prefer to have help with specific kinds of tasks without a lot of trouble. This is probably pretty close to ideal, because it meant my personal preferences weren't getting in the middle.
Other notes
1) Not all volunteers are a good fit for all tasks.
Someone may very much want to be helpful – but be really stressed out by (or stressful to be with) at a doctor’s appointment. Some people will take forever in a supermarket, even if it's not their shopping trip, other people won't. If the Befogged has a low tolerance for loud or unexpected noises, don't pair them with someone who will have a pre-verbal child in the car.
None of these are bad in a global sense, but if your Befogged has limited energy, you want to pair them with someone who will make their shopping trip as quick as possible, not longer, etc.
Help with household chores can be particularly necessary, but it's also a pretty intimate thing to do. Check with the Befogged about what they prefer, and who they're comfortable with. (Note that sometimes the Helper doesn't actually need to clean - just being there and provide conversation while the Befogged works on stuff can be a big boost.)
2) Balance rest with conversation
Is your Befogged the kind of person who will feel terribly guilty that the house is not clean, or they do not have food to offer? Lots of visitors may be a bad idea. Are they sleeping intermittently and napping a lot during the day? Ditto. Do they have limited energy for social conversations right now? Limit.
And are they getting sick of telling people the same news over and over again, because it constantly reminds them of their loss or their pain? Find other ways to do that. We have modern technology that can help with this, there's no reason not to use it appropriately.
Yes, the Befogged needs to talk to more than just the External Brain, but they also probably don't need to be rehashing the same 'things that happened since last time we talked' five or ten times a day for each person who calls. A brief cut-and-paste into email can do this better. Spreading it out so it's one or two calls a day, or emails (where they can cut and paste the basics if they have to) can feel a lot more manageable. Setting up a visit at specific times is also really helpful.
3) Discuss clearly what gets directed where.
In our case, my friend made a post in her LiveJournal (as did I) about the fact I was the contact point for this.
I handled "I'd like to help, tell me how" and "I'd like to visit, but I don't want to intrude" and "Hey, I'm going grocery shopping tonight, can I pick some things up?" sorts of questions. She handled the more personal questions and requests.
I also did some general information dispersion for her - though you should note, some people find this weird. A friend of mine (who knows us both) said "I'd hate if someone did that for me." I sort of blinked, and said mildly "Well, in this case, she'd rather I did it since she's feeling overwhelmed. We've talked about it." and went on with what I was doing.
4) Keep your priorities clear
As above, be really clear whose opinions matter most. In this case, my Befogged friend's preferences got absolute priority whenever possible. I was gentle and tactful and polite about it as much as I could be, but I was really clear about whose desires got preference when scheduling something, or asking for help with something specific.
(Again, in some ways, this is easier if most of the people offering to help are closer to the Befogged than they are to the External Brain.)
5) Get as much meaningful information about other Helpers as you can.
I kept a spreadsheet in GoogleDocs that my friend could also access. It includes:
- name, email, day and evening phone numbers
- whether they were available to help during the workday
- whether they were local (we had some tasks that didn't need that.)
- whether they were able to drive
- a notes field. It includes things like "Lives in her neighborhood" or "Free except when getting kids to/from school" or whatever.
It is useful to work through the list of people who want to help with someone who knows them well enough to comment about reliability, time-sense, general communication styles, and what they might be the best fit for. This can be the Befogged (it's the kind of detail that's sometimes a useful distraction for them) but it doesn't need to be.
How I used it is simple: she'd say "I need a ride to an appointment at X day and time" and I'd work through the list to find someone, based on people available at that time, and who were good for that kind of thing. I usually started with someone based on my friend's preferences, and also keeping in mind how much they'd done recently, and what I knew of their schedule. It worked pretty smoothly: I think I called on most people 2-3 times at most.
Opportunity food
This gets its own section, because it's a big deal. By our definition, opportunity food is the stuff that is reasonably healthy and desireable, but as easy to eat as stuff that's not so healthy and desireable.
Exactly what foods work for your Befogged are going to vary, but Trader Joe's (if you have one available) is an excellent place to start in our experience. Bear in mind that medications may affect appetite and taste, and that someone may have different preferences at this time than normally.
If someone isn't hungry, they probably won't have an idea what they'd like to eat if you ask them for a shopping list. Running through a list of "What *won't* you eat", and then getting some likely candidates (and being prepared to pass the extras off to a food shelf, friend, or whatever) can work well. Friends can help here, too by suggesting items they know are usually favorites.
You want things that take minimal prep, are hard to burn, and require little clean-up. Things that require regular stirring or turning or whatever are probably a bad idea.
Things that have worked particularly well for one or both of us.
- Soup (we both like the box soups from Trader Joe's)
- Cereal, granola, etc.
- Crackers and cheese or bread and cheese
- Cut veggies and a yogurt-based dip
- Hummus and pita bread
- Devilled eggs
- Potstickers (my personal favorite) that can be steamed to warm.
- Healthy things easy to heat in a microwave
- Veggies, ditto.
- Frozen foods that sounds appealing and need little attention (frozen sweet potato fries, chicken pot pies, frozen fish, etc.)
- Frozen juice-based things, sorbet, etc. (Often more palatable than dairy-based stuff.)
- Really good chocolate.
- Sandwich fixings (suitable bread, cheese, meat, etc.)
Stronger flavors (garlic, seasoning, etc.) may either be really appealing, or really distasteful. Start with a variety of foods that will keep well, and see what works.
In the case of veggies and fruit, a Helper could easily prep some and drop it off, or pick up a pre-cut tray from the deli. You'll note that while most of these involve a little fat, they're fairly well-balanced. This helps.
Conclusion
This is but one way to go at - but I hope I've touched on most of the major things that might come up, or that you might want to think about. Additional questions are welcome, and I'll add things in as that happens.
